Amanda H. – June 2012

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When I first arrived at The River Source, I had been in the hospital in ICU for over a month. I was diagnosed with an esophageal tumor, a growth on my stomach pancreatitis, and constant liver and kidney failures. I’m also a diabetic. All of these are from excessive drinking. My father picked me up from the hospital then dropped me off at The River Source. I did not argue, I was not defensive. There was no time to think and make my own decisions. I think subconsciously I knew I needed help. I was faced with the ultimate decision; live or die. Doctor after doctor told me if I go out and continue drinking I would not survive very long. I admit it, I thought about weather I wanted to live or die with my disease. I walked through those doors helpless, weak, confused with no direction in sight. My thought process was “ I can’t believe I’m here again, I have to go through this shit again.” Why, what for, this is pointless. It took me a few weeks, but somehow I started to care, care for myself, care for others and reconnect with God. One day my perception of reality just came to me, it was like waking up for the first time. I am now starting on my journey as an open-minded, honest, trusting, courageous, and compassionate individual. Yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow a vision of hope. Every day I pray: God, help me please to stay clean and sober this day. Even if it’s in spite of myself, and if you please, Lord, free me from enough of the bondage of self that I may be of some useful value as a human being, weather I understand or not. God help me to demonstrate that it is good for me to love and to be loved, to understand and be understood, to give and to receive. It is obviously far better for me to be useful as a human being, than it is to be selfish. God, help me to put one foot in front of the other, to keep moving forward. And to do the best I can with what I have to work with today.

The River Source helped me to remember, remember what it was like to be young again, to be free, to not keep myself hostage by fear, to forgive others and forgive myself. That it’s ok to be me.

When arriving here, I was broken into a tiny million pieces, a puzzle that could not be put back together. Gaining self-worth, self-awareness, spirituality instead of self-delusion, self- pity and playing the victim. I was just a little girl lost and now I’ve found the way. I always knew deep down inside that I was intelligent, creative and strong willed. I just needed to hear it from someone else. The River Source helped me to embrace life instead of run away from it. For all this and more I am grateful.

Anything is possible!


Amanda H.