I had been a very hard drinker for about 4 years. But the last 2 years were very bad. This last year I’ve been missing work, when I don’t call out! I had weekends that I can’t even remember, at all. I didn’t even know the difference between black out and pass out. Looking back now is does explain all the conversation I had with my family that I don’t remember, 90% of the last year. What a shame, I missed a year of my son growing up, a year I will never get back. Finally the day came (a moment of clarity,) it had to stop, one way or another. So in my delusions I thought it was a good idea to tell my son that because he was so responsible he didn’t need me anymore, so I was just going to go away. When I realize what I had said to him, I knew it was time to get help. Three days later I walked through the doors of “The River Source.” So my journey began. I was so afraid I could not stop shaking for a week, or maybe it was just the DT’s! Not sure! The first 2 weeks were very hard for me, being 50 and the first time being in treatment. OMG, what am I doing! Groups, AA meetings, steps, all overwhelming, all over my head. Thank god!! for the staff , helping me to understand. Helping me to stand on my feet in the middle of a mental breakdown. One night after watching someone’s step 1 I’ve become very agitated and very quickly found myself in the middle of a very fantastic panic attack. I was out, packed my bags and cleaned my room in under 10 minutes. I live about 45 miles from the treatment house. So in my panicked mind I was going to need my inhaler to make it home on foot. Robert saw me and asked what was going on. Wow, someone saw my pain, fear and panic. Once again thank God for Robert and Linda. They brought me back down to the planet. They helped me understand the overwhelming feelings I was having. Through the help of all the staff I stayed 45 days. I am going to IOP for at least 3 months. Through the groups, staff and meetings I have found hope. A light at the end of the tunnel. My Higher Power, my God!