I used to shoot dope and drink whiskey and vodka. I used to wake up, or come to and would feel panic and terror. I used to feel like dying would be so much less painful. I used to walk the streets. I used to feel like I would just combust and burn up. I hated myself. Guilt and shame for what I had become: thief, liar, addict, drunk, prostitute, loner; a total waste of air. Drugs and alcohol stopped working long ago but it didn’t seem to matter. I had really tried to stop. I felt so fucking empty and defeated. I drove to G.A. to get “loaded” with a friend I met in a different addiction program. While I was there I was using and got into a car wreck and almost killed an innocent man and almost died. After leaving the hospital I went straight to a bar and got drunk. So I reached out of complete desperation. I found the River Source online and my mom helped me as a last chance effort to save my sorry ass. I love her dearly! The River Source changed my life. I was a non-believer when I got here but I was met with understanding love and tolerance and given the gift of truth about me from the staff who had been where I had been and were so happy now and living the 12 steps and loving their new beautiful lives. They showed me that it could happen with the help of a higher power of my own understanding.